My first stop: the Luxury Car Showroom. On my way, a sparse stall tempted me with its two-question test that would reveal my afterlife destination, but I decided I was better off enjoying my envy, lust and materialism guilt-free. It's no fun checking out the latest sports cars when you know you'll be driving them straight to hell.

While many visitors are content with perusing the latest models of existing vehicles, I'm there solely to enjoy the concept cars — the stylish, futuristic teases that will probably never make it to the dealership without a considerable amount of homogenization. This year, my bosom heaved over the Chrysler Crossfire concept model (a perfect example of the production version losing its appeal), the ultra-hip Chevrolet SSR and the soon-to-be-mine Dodge Super 8 Hemi. I will own one, mark my words.

Of course, without a flying-car display, no fair has been complete in years. In the '50s and '60s, they all had bubble-hooded hovercars that we were promised to be tooling around in by 1985. All we got was a movie about a kid in a converted DeLorean. But, the promise is back. Moller International has brought us the Volantor M400, a 4-passenger, VTOL sky cruiser. And this baby actually flies. Not yet well enough to get you to the mall, but it'll certainly leave the ground.

From what I gather, only two real obstacles stand in the way of full production: getting the funding to continue development and the creation of a software-based infrastructure. Oh yes, and there's also the fact that, in flight, it makes the sound of a frighteningly enormous swarm of bees. But, hey, it's still got the bubble hood.

By the way, special kudos goes to General Motors and Dodge for their displays. Amid the increasing number of plasma screens and rock-climbing walls, GM took a refreshing step back. What could be more fun than a kiosk of View-Masters? (Not to mention what might possibly be the world's largest.) And Dodge, thanks for the complementary bull-riding photos. While other schmucks were surrendering good money for the same deal out on the midway, those of us who know always to check the low-traffic corners got them for free.

On to the JFK exhibit next door. The display of documents, photographs and memorabilia was rather mainstream for my taste, but I couldn't help but find humor in the introductory video. Actually, it wasn't so much the video itself, which was badly edited and uninformative, but the event the conincided with it. Shortly before the video's conclusion, an audience member's cell phone began to ring incessantly. Someone near the back yelled out, "Shut that thing off!" Just then, the infamous sixth-floor gunshot rang out over the audio system. The phone fell silent.

Okay, so you had to be there. But, such are the beautiful coincidences for which I live.

As the lights came up, the video's presenter stepped onto the stage to direct everyone back into the hallway. In that direction, she informed us, we would find the inspiring and emotional JFK exhibit, adding, "And don't forget, outside we also have...Barbie Mania!"

Back in the sun, I took the opportunity to meet Bill Bragg, the new voice of Big Tex. Apparently the word about Texas Twisted is getting around, because the fair's biggest personality knew who I was. Get me, I'm a celebrity. We didn't talk long, but I would be back later for Tex's 50th-birthday celebration. You can read the Special Report to find out how that went.

From there, it was a visit with Elsie the Cow, a gaze in awe at the befuddling butter sculpture, then time to hit the midway. But first, stilt-walkers! The fair is rife with spontaneous street surprises like this. A whole cavalcade hobbled by at increasing heights. Being the smartass that I am, I yelled to the tallest of the group, "Wave for us!" What do you know, the bastard did.

Finally making it to the midway, I tried my best to avoid eye contact with the barkers, lest they hypnotize me into shelling out 3 bucks to throw some dull darts at underinflated balloons. When the temptation became too much, I ducked into a tent that turned out to house the famous Budweiser Clydesdale team. This is where I took what is perhaps the funniest picture of my life. Apparently, the horses aren't just promotional tools, but consumers as well. I swear it wasn't just the timing of the shot; he looked like that the whole time.

Hunger drew me back out into the open, where I decided it was time to follow up the corny dog I had earlier with some dessert. And nothing tops off battered, deep-fried hot dogs than battered, deep-fried Twinkies. New to the fair this year, these delectables are covered with your choice of topping and, inexplicably, served up by someone who looks amazingly like Sonny Bono.

While I enjoyed my little, cream-filled piece of heaven, I had the pleasure of witnessing a daredevil take his chance on one of the fair's new "X-treme" rides. In an attempt to kick the midway up a notch, organizers brought in a few outrageous thrill machines, possibly the wildest of which is called the Adrenaline Drop. The concept is simple: you're dropped face-up seven stories into a net. Good times.

Would I try it? I'll tell you what; if 50 people send me a request before the 2003 fair to plunge 70 feet to a fear-induced death, you got it. I'll even show you the video. (One request per person!)

The most daring thing I did this year, however, was to ride the Texas Star. This Ferris wheel stands 212 feet high, the tallest in the western hemisphere. Surprisingly, it was my first time to hop on board and I wasn't disappointed. It didn't make me cry like a little girl as I expected, but I did whimper at the thought of dropping my camera out of the bucket. Next time, I'll bring a strap.

Finding myself short on cash and long on indigestion, I disembarked the wheel with the intention of bringing my visit to a close. I popped off a few shots of the 200-ton sand sculpture, laid down my last two coupons for a peek at Tiny Tim, the World's Smallest Horse, and strolled contentedly out the gate to find my car.

With any luck at all, my little adventure has demonstrated for you just how much nutty fun is to be had at the fair. If not, just remember they serve beer.

See you next year! (I'll be the guy still wandering bewildered through the parking lot.)